The cranky

Wow. I have been extremely cranky the last day or so. Like barely able to conceal my rage cranky. Like it's best not to look me in the eye cranky. Like there is some serious hormonal shit going on cranky.

I haven't felt quite like this since I was on Depo Provera in 1994, when I was so crazy that my boyfriend broke up with me and I got my revenge by filling out fifty magazine subscription cards in his name, with the "bill me later" box marked. The Depo was his idea but still, that was one of my darkest, darkest hours.

This is not the time to pick a bone via email with anyone. This is the time to slowly step away from the computer!

What a great way to close out the year!

Husband's birthday and trip to the tropics!

It's nice to know that this pregnancy isn't hindering my ability to beat the snot out of my husband! His birthday was the other day, so a couple friends of mine helped me with his birthday spankings. It felt like we were the Charlie's Angels...we had a blonde, a redhead, and a hot Asian all ganged up on him! I think he had a good time, I know I sure did!

Tonight I made plans for us to take a fabulous eight day trip to Cabo San Lucas before this little bun pops out of the oven. I am so excited I can hardly stand it...we're staying at a resort that doesn't allow kids under 16 and it has an amazing beach in front, where I am going to drink virgin Mai Tais all fucking week! I just hope my cans will still fit in my bikini.

I am now ten and a half weeks pregnant. I spent some time on the phone last week trying to figure out insurance stuff so I can plan the whole birthing process and not pay out of pocket as much as possible. There aren't a whole lot of midwives under my insurance plan, and the ones that weren't Planned Parenthood only do births in the hospital. Fortunately the hospital they work through is close to my house, so things could be worse. Besides, all the people around me keep telling me that too much can go wrong with home births and I get tired of defending my decision about it after a while. I finally got to the point where I'd just smile blandly whenever someone started harping at me about it. I'm starting to experience that whole "It takes a village" rationale for butting into a mom's business already!

I get to meet the midwives from the most promising practice on January 7th. Time can't possibly fly by quick enough!

Belly

I can feel my abdominal muscles stretching. It's a very unique feeling, to say the least! Christmas Eve, after a lovely meal with my brother and sister-in-law, I felt a sharp muscle pain, like I pulled a muscle, only it was in my abdomen and I wasn't doing anything at all. Since then I've had odd pains near my navel and my belly is noticeably bigger.

And I have terrible acne, but not on my face, I have it on my chest, back and belly! And my hair is super greasy all the time! I'm getting it bleached in a couple days, but I read recently that pregnant women should refrain from dyeing their hair at this point in a pregnancy because the hormones sometimes interact with the hair dye. I don't understand why my hormones would affect the dead cells growing on my head so I'm doing it anyway. Besides, I look like hell and I'm vain, goddammit. Isn't it enough that I can't have a Manhattan before dinner anymore? Or a glass of grappa after dinner?

If you see me walking around town with green hair, say hi, okay?

Boring old house renovation wishlist

In preparation of the nesting instinct I'm so anxiously looking forward to (as opposed to the sleep twelve hours a day instinct I'm currently experiencing), I have a list of things I'd like to get done before winter's over. Feel free to skip this post as it's more for my own reference!

A nice new cabinet between the fridge and the chimney in the main kitchen. It would be oh-so nice to have a place to put cereal and stuff, besides on the counter.

Tear out pedestal sink in master bathroom and install double sinks with vanity for storage. Also a mirror would be nice, thank you.

Build DVD storage cabinets in man room. Titles are easier to find when they're not in stacks of boxes on the floor.

Have curtains made for dining room and master bedroom. I'm not sure I want the neighbors to know so much about us once we have a baby! Besides, it's cold in the house without curtains.

Have headboard made for master bedroom. The one we have now is beyond ugly. I want a tucked and tacked velvet headboard to make any '60's housewife swoon.

Get roof checked for loose shingles, and repair gutters. The rivers of water streaming down the sides of the house freak me out.

Repair/replace kitchen screen door. If I repair the screen, how long will it be before the dog scratches another hole in it?

Replace rotten wood on south side of house, repaint. Rotten wood on my house scares me a lot.

Fix and sell Mustang. I wonder if it still starts.

Sell scooter. Goodbye Biff. I think I'd get in trouble with CPS I bungee corded a baby seat to the luggage carrier.

Discussions with Mom

As a kinky pervert, I have to say that certain conversations with vanilla people tend to have some double meaning for me.

For instance: The other day I was talking to my mom on the phone about being pregnant, and she told me that I should be sure and take the next few months as an opportunity to toughen up my nipples.

Heh!

I had to resist the urge to tell her I've delegated that task to Mr. Spouse, but she continued on and on about how I needed to twist and pull on my nipples, and squeeze then between my fingers so that when the baby is born I can nurse without screaming.

I can't get the thought of my mom twisting her nipples out of my head now. It makes me shudder!

EEEE! (that's a delighted EEEE)

We got YET ANOTHER ultrasound today. We really saw the heart beating today, it was so cute! The little seamonkey was smashed flat full frontal in my uterus so he looked like a bug on a windshield!

I'm eight weeks along, everything looks great, and we just need to find a midwife now. I'm going to try for a home birth, but since the birthing process rarely goes as planned I fully realize that we might not get to do it the way I want. I just know that I want to avoid a C-section if I can, and my chances of doing that are far greater if I have a midwife. It seems like I hear a lot about first time mothers only being in labor for a few hours before the doctor is like, "We're gonna cut you open!"

Priority one is a healthy kid and a healthy me, but last on my list is my doctor's schedule.

Don't get me wrong, I like my doctor, but trying to make an appointment with her is a nightmare. I've been on hold for ten minutes just trying to make an appointment, and I do anything I can to avoid calling her office. That's not the kind of relationship I want to have with the person delivering my first child. I know, I'm a total princess. I'm pregnant and I'm goddam special, for Chrissakes!!

I don't think that's unreasonable, do you?

I have grown two cup sizes in the last month. I am now wearing a 34 F bra. My pink leather jacket no longer fits over my boobs.

Hummina hummina hummina

I was attending a Microsoft holiday party tonight with my best friend and totally had a blast! We were playing blackjack and the totally hot Asian lady dealer was hitting on me. I was a little flustered!

At the end of the night I went to use the bathroom and she was using the sink when I walked in. She greeted me with a rather alarming "HAI!!!" and I tried to flirt with her but I had to pee too badly. We continued chatting as I entered a stall, and when I was done there was BLOOD IN THERE!

BLOOD IN THE TOILET!! NOOO!!! That explains the weird cramps I was having earlier...

I spent the last hour online looking up "spotting first trimester." If the cramps and bleeding persist I'll be making a call to my doctor, so I don't think I'll be doing much sleeping tonight.

Apparently spotting occurs in one in four pregnancies, and half of those end in miscarriage, according to Dr. Spock. We may be fine, but both Mr. Spouse and I are undoubtedly concerned.

Plus, I'm still having cramps. What a fine end to a lovely evening.

Settling in

I think I'm starting to settle into this pregnancy thing, instead of being dismayed at my new found limitations.

I stayed up until 4 am last night reading the latest Best American Erotica edited by Susie Bright, hoping against all hope I'd find something juicy to masturbate to, but to no avail. I swear the best erotic short stories I've found are in the back of Bust magazine! They really need to publish an anthology of those, for years they've gotten me off every month!

Anyway, I managed to only get nine hours of sleep last night instead of twelve, which is a blessing considering the late hour I retired last night. I'd be pretty cranky indeed if I slept until evening today.

I'm finding that I can't do our fancy dinners out anymore. There's just too many variables. I always want to take a nap after the entree, so even the fastest service in the world isn't fast enough for me anymore. Dessert? Forget it. Then there was the time we went out to eat at Crush and the folks next to us ordered something with truffle oil in it and I just had to leave. I swear restaurants use prodigious amounts of truffle oil to cover up whatever bland dish they put on the menu.

I have terrible gas and I'm not surprised by it anymore. Excuse me.

Second Ultrasound!

Wednesday we went back for another ultrasound. I am seven weeks pregnant and everything is normal. Since my last period was nine weeks ago all of us (especially the doctor) were disappointed that the little seamonkey wasn't further developed! Oh well. We just have to wait even longer before we can make the announcement to all our friends.

In the meantime I have lied to some of them. The other night we took a friend out for dinner and she was very curious to know why I wasn't sharing the wine with them! I told her that I only drink in the two weeks following my period and blah de blah blah...I gave her this drawn out description of my drinking system to avoid actually answering her pointed questions, and I feel guilty.

God I am hungry all the time. And nauseous. Last night at 2 am I was reading and suddenly I was so hungry I was in actual physical pain, so I went downstairs and grabbed a bag of crackers and wolfed them down in bed. Then I thought about masturbating because sex and food are the two things mostly on my mind these days. Mr. Spouse doesn't seem to mind, but pretty soon I'm afraid he may feel over-objectified. Men say they like being objectified, but I know from experience that it gets old after a while!

The other night we were having sex and I started to feel a little gas pain. It got worse and worse until I finally had to stop him, but nothing I did would make it better. I hobbled to the bathroom bent over like an old crone the pain was so bad, then nothing happened once I got there! I hobbled back to bed and tried to toot and it wouldn't happen, and finally after about a half hour I got a little relief! I still felt gas pain when I woke up the next morning!!

Apparently this is par for the course. So far I haven't started snoring or drooling yet, so that's good. I'm starting to figure out that my considerable mood swings are partially hunger related, which makes sense. I've always gotten a little cranky when I'm hungry, but now it's harder to tell when I'm hungry since it seems to be every hour or so, as opposed to every three hours like before. To top it all off, I get nauseous if I eat too much, so I can only eat a little at a time. It's no wonder I'm hungry all the time, but geez, it's hard to have a life when I'm in bed twelve hours a day and I have to spend fifteen minutes of every waking hour foraging for sustenance.

Mr. Spouse says my posture is changing. We're going to be parents!

A Friendly Reminder:

It's too early in my pregnancy to talk about it, so please don't tell your friends so they'll congratulate me next time they see me. I'd rather not have people congratulating me if I've had a miscarriage.

So, with that grim thingy out of the way, I'm actually glad that those empire waist uglyshirts are so popular! I've been complaining about them for years, but now that I'm actually pregnant I can wear them without worrying that people might think I am when I'm not! I was hoping this day would come!

I bought two trendy, shapeless bags at Forever 21 today.

Also, a few people have already asked me if I'm going to make a maternity catsuit, and the answer is yes, HELL yes.

First doctor's appointment

We went to the doctor today, the three of us! It was very exciting and I tried to maintain my composure. I did really well until the doctor came in to give me my first ultrasound, then before she even got the apparatus all hooked up I nearly lost it.

Her bedside manner left much to be desired, so that helped me from breaking out in tears.

Anyway, the little seamonkey is not as far along as we thought. The doctor says I might be six weeks pregnant, but more likely I'm not even that far along. Ah the joys of irregular periods. Who the hell knows when I was ovulating?

So either I ovulated really late or the embryo stopped developing. I find out next week.

Still trying to maintain my composure...

Disclaimer: If you know me, please do not ask me if I'm pregnant because I will not answer, at least until the first trimester is over, in which case I'll certainly say so right here on my blog. I'm going to write about it here and pretend that no one is listening, okay? Just help me hold up that bit of artifice for a little while longer.

So my boobs are hugemungous right now!! I can finally wear a tube top, now that it's too cold to do so! They're round, firm, large and PERT! I haven't had boobs like this since I was sixteen, and they were a lot smaller back then!

On the flip side, I have terrible gas, I have to pee all the dang time, I am super thirsty and tired, and I've gained two pounds this week. I guess I should start doing some deep moisturizing to see if it will help keep the stretch marks away. I was wondering why I seemed to be getting so fat, I guess this explains it! It's natural and all, but it's still alarming. I thought I'd at least be able to wear my normal clothes for longer.

And I am so fucking cranky right now, omigod. I'm usually super cheerful so this is weird for me, but I'm about ready to tear someone's head off.

I'm anxious to go to my first doctor's appointment, mostly because since I have a very irregular period I had no idea that I was pregnant. While my husband's parents were visiting from Italy for three weeks we had wine with every meal, and then I drank last weekend. Every book, magazine article, and person on the North American Continent has very strong ideas about drinking while pregnant, so I'm pretty concerned about any damage I might have unwittingly inflicted on the little sea monkey in these early developmental stages of its life.

I keep telling myself I shouldn't beat myself up over it because I can't undo what happened already, and if alcohol was nearly as dangerous as the books say it is, the human race never would have made it through the Dark Ages, when people drank beer and wine instead of water because it was less likely to be contaminated. I actually nearly bit a guy's head off at a work party once because there was a pregnant woman drinking a glass of wine and he was all, "Can you believe she's drinking WINE?!" Why is it that people believe they can pass judgement on a mom when they don't even have kids themselves?

Still. I'm worried. I don't need anyone to tell me I'm a bad mom or that everything will be fine. Keep your opinions to yourselves, or post your own blog about them.

I keep calling my husband "Daddy," and his expressions are priceless. He looks away and smiles a big toothy grin, then looks away again and his eyes get all sparkly! Then he'll touch my stomach or something sweet like that. He's the best thing ever! I wonder if he has any idea how moody I might get during this pregnancy. I feel bad for him already.

It's all very exciting and scary!

I got something to say!

So day before yesterday I was at work, dilligently folding clothes and trying not to think about how my skills weren't being used, when this guy walked in and started chatting with my boss (who is a totally rad woman). She asked how his wife's pregnancy was coming along, to which he replied, "It isn't."

How far along was she? Two and a half months. This is why you're not supposed to announce to everyone you know that you're pregnant until the first trimester is over. He told my boss about how everyone asks her how the pregnancy is coming along, and it ruins her whole day. I have no idea what it's like to lose a child, but I know for sure that if I ever do I'm not going to want everyone bringing it up all the dang time!

So that kind of brings up the question: how the hell is a girl supposed to blog about a pregnancy without telling anyone she's pregnant for the first trimester?

Our dog Quincy

In June I found a cocker spaniel on the lam. I stuffed him in my car and stopped at Petco on the way home to get him a collar, leash and some dog food. He was very affectionate and seemed to have good car manners, i.e. he didn't try to get in my lap as I was hurtling down the freeway at high speeds.

I rang the doorbell when we got home and my husband answered the door in complete confusion. The cocker spaniel was a Tazmanian Devil at the end of his leash, and our cat Abby looked disgusted from the other side of the threshold. My husband took a long time to warm up to the dog while I posted notices everywhere, and every day for three weeks we thought someone would claim the dog. No one ever did.

That interim period was scary because I was afraid to get too attached to the dog, so he suffered quite a bit. I didn't want to name him or pay too much attention to him as a way of protecting myself. When we finally gave up hope of finding his people we named him Quincy and invited him into our hearts, even though he was a total mess.

He scratched himself all the time when I first brought him home, so I bought special food for dogs with allergies and he hardly scratches at all anymore! He wouldn't let me touch his paws or face, and now I can swab his weepy eyes as much as I want. I can even brush his paws. His fur is so thick I don't think you can actually feel skin on his legs at all! He lets me pick him up, flip him over and rub his belly all the time, he doesn't have a single hot spot anymore, we got him neutered and he got all his shots. Next week he gets his first haircut at the dog salon.

He just wants to play with us and his squeaky toys all the time. We took him to obedience classes and he's learning some manners, while we're learning how to communicate with him. It's been an amazing transformation. That said, last night was his last class at dog training and he pooped twice during class. How embarrassing.

I love having a dog. I love that I can pick him up and play with his paws all I want, while looking him in the eye and talking baby talk to him. He's a good boy. I look forward to having a couple kids he can play with, he just loves them so much!

Here's Quincy, our sweet, dumb dog.

new ideas

It's been a year since I've lost interest in my Imp of Satan business, and I'm starting to finally get inspiration for making clothes again.

There are a lot of reasons why I laid Imp of Satan to rest, but you know I can hire someone to do those things for me, leaving me free to focus my energy on the creative end of running a fashion empire. Well, a small fashion empire.

I was always really good at the design, branding and marketing aspects of running my own fashion label. As most of my close friends know perhaps better than even I know about myself, I can't stay away from creating new clothes for long. Taking what I learned from my previous business, I think I can be far more successful in a new venture. It's time to lay Imp of Satan to rest for good. It carries too many bad memories for me, and I'm far too happy in my new life to continue dwelling on the past.

I'm in the brainstorming process for a new business. A former schoolmate of mine recently returned to Seattle after working all over the world for some extraordinary designers like Dior and Bob Mackey, and thanks to his words of praise, I'm starting to think that I can do some high end fashion for folks here in Seattle. I've been working in theater for ten years now, and I've learned to manipulate fabric in ways that most people never would. I am extremely proud of my work, yet I still understand that I have a lot to learn as long as there are new raw materials being manufactured. I truly, truly love what I do, and I know that I will never stop being inspired by bolts of wonderful fabric.

bag envy

I love to look at magazines. Anyone who looks at lots of magazines eventually figures out that it tends to contribute to consumerism. So this week I've been lusting after some fall fashions. Clothes this season are boring as all hell, so instead I'm finding myself lusting after purses.

I've convinced myself that I need a reptile bag. And naturally in the course of looking online for reptile bags I'm getting sidetracked.

For instance:

yes, summer's over, but it's never over in my vivid imagination!

Here's a bargain compared to the 16K version I saw just before this one!


I like this Zac Posen one too. It's very 1970's Deco:


This is neat, yet ugly. I truly admore the handiwork!


Python, anyone?

This one reminds my husband of the catsuit I wore on our first playdate!

Holy fuck! Which way to the disco?


I think I may come.



If you'll excuse me, I need to change my panties!

Bloody Hell!

My period started today. I was at work when it started, and I ran to the bathroom and cried while I cleaned myself up. I'm currently working overhire in a union costume shop so it's hard to take an extended break like I did today. I worried that I wouldn't have time to subdue my puffy eyes before returning to my tailoring but I shouldn't have worried. I just kept my eyes on the collar I was working on, cast downward in my lap, pricking my fingers over and over in rhythm.

At lunch I called my husband and suggested we go to our favorite bar for drinks tonight. It's like turning a cause for weeping into cause for celebration, going to the Zig Zag. Murray fixed me a couple of outstanding cocktails and made me feel downright civilized. I loves me a good cocktail but I've decided that I won't drink any alchohol during my first trimester regardless of what all my European friends say, and that makes it hard since I seem to be on a six week cycle. I drink whatever I want for two weeks as if I were on a regular four week schedule even though I probably ovulate four weeks after my period starts. I've never been good about keeping track of my periods so I worry that I may be mistaken about my odd cycle. I should really buy stock in pregnancy tests. I took three in the past week and a half.

Cocktails or not, the buzz I got tonight is bittersweet. I'm very disappointed I'm not pregnant. I've been wanting a family for a long time, and it's hard to be patient now that I've found the perfect father for my child, and he's just as anxious as me to start a family. We're going to be great parents someday. Even if we never conceive a child, we'll adopt and be great parents!

That's the thing about me. I may get blue on occasion but it never sticks for long.

Upon further investigation, it appears instead of a four week cycle, I have a six week cycle. I spent a lot of time in my twenties scared to death that I was pregnant for this reason.

This means I have to wait two more weeks before I can find out if I'm pregnant. How vexing.

I wanna know now!

It's too early to take a pregnancy test, dammit!

I started a new job on Monday, just a six week contract at a place I've been working on and off for ten years now. Hard to believe it's been that long!! It's a little like coming home. We're knocking off a Christian Dior dress from a couple years ago and I'm working on the petticoat this week. It's amazing how long it takes to make these costumes.

My husband showed up to take me home with our cocker spaniel, all clean and smelling nice! Now he's fixing supper. Last night we went out for a casual dinner, followed by coffee and a movie. We made out in the elevator to the theater and then held hands all through the film. I am truly a lucky girl.

I am totally exhausted and I have to go to a fetish event tonight. I don't know if I'll be able to muster up the energy for a fancy outfit, but I'll see what I can do.

visiting the nephew

Yesterday we went to visit our new nephew. He's the cutest little thing but I have to admit I find newborns to be pretty boring. They just lay there sleeping most of the time, and sometimes they eat. Hoo boy that's a fun time. WHEE!

The thing I find most interesting about visiting newborns is that there's an atmosphere of calm in their homes. It's so relaxing I almost fell asleep with the baby napping on my chest. I feel that babies only seem helpless, when in fact they can turn an entire house into a slumbering castle, just like in Sleeping Beauty. It's useless to resist, I've seen it in at least three households now!

I have to wait a whole week before I can find out if I'm pregnant. God I could use a cocktail.

ovulation blues

I was ovulating last Saturday. I know because I got the telltale stringy discharge, accompanied by an uncontrollable urge to have sex. This month my husband was standing less than fifteen feet away when I noticed so we took advantage of the circumstances by spending a half hour trying to get pregnant. I prefer to call it, "makin' bunnies."

Today is Thursday and I've been fighting off the urge to burst into tears over the tiniest little thing for twenty-four hours. I hope to god I'm pregnant, otherwise I'll have to come up with another excuse for why I'm feeling so strange. I NEVER cry. I don't like crying.

My brother and sister-in-law just had a baby last week and the cuteness is killing me. My mother is in town to help and tonight we're taking her to dinner and she's spending the night. Tomorrow we're going to estate sales together. It will be my last weekday off for six whole weeks. I'm extremely annoyed that I'm spending my last days of the summer on the verge of tears. My to-do list is still miles long!

I hope to god I'm pregnant. My period isn't due for another week and a half so I can't blame it on PMS!

Oh god, I have to go mom-proof the house!!

I've finally decided to do something with this account. My husband and I got married eleven months ago and I think we have a pretty extraordinary life, even if it is rather domestic. You can see some of my other posts in my food blog at eatie.blogspot.com, but I got bored of writing about food. I'd rather just eat it!

In January we bought a beautiful home built in 1926, in the '50's it was moved to its current location where it got a basement, then ten years ago it got a big master bedroom built upstairs. It's a lot of house for a girl to handle, and I've spent most of the summer working on it in my lazy way. I've torn out so many trees and bushes that I think I have permanent damage from wielding the pruners! The garden looks pretty good but the rest of the house is a disaster.

My biggest problem is finding people to help me. Since I've never owned a house before I'm not even sure what resources there are in the world for folks like me! We have some waterproofing to do on the south side of the house before the winter rains hit, there's some work I'd like done in the master bathroom, we need some shelves built in the Man Room for the DVD collection, and of course we need to figure out which room is what still.

We need a guest bedroom, office, nursery (hopefully), and dungeon. Of course how the rooms are used depends on if we need the nursery! I've been really frustrated lately because after five months in the house I still don't feel settled, but I realize that we can't get everything permanently put away until we get pregnant.

Sigh. This will probably turn into a pregnancy blog.

I wonder if I'll still feel like doing kinky shit when I'm pregnant?