The cranky

Wow. I have been extremely cranky the last day or so. Like barely able to conceal my rage cranky. Like it's best not to look me in the eye cranky. Like there is some serious hormonal shit going on cranky.

I haven't felt quite like this since I was on Depo Provera in 1994, when I was so crazy that my boyfriend broke up with me and I got my revenge by filling out fifty magazine subscription cards in his name, with the "bill me later" box marked. The Depo was his idea but still, that was one of my darkest, darkest hours.

This is not the time to pick a bone via email with anyone. This is the time to slowly step away from the computer!

What a great way to close out the year!

Husband's birthday and trip to the tropics!

It's nice to know that this pregnancy isn't hindering my ability to beat the snot out of my husband! His birthday was the other day, so a couple friends of mine helped me with his birthday spankings. It felt like we were the Charlie's Angels...we had a blonde, a redhead, and a hot Asian all ganged up on him! I think he had a good time, I know I sure did!

Tonight I made plans for us to take a fabulous eight day trip to Cabo San Lucas before this little bun pops out of the oven. I am so excited I can hardly stand it...we're staying at a resort that doesn't allow kids under 16 and it has an amazing beach in front, where I am going to drink virgin Mai Tais all fucking week! I just hope my cans will still fit in my bikini.

I am now ten and a half weeks pregnant. I spent some time on the phone last week trying to figure out insurance stuff so I can plan the whole birthing process and not pay out of pocket as much as possible. There aren't a whole lot of midwives under my insurance plan, and the ones that weren't Planned Parenthood only do births in the hospital. Fortunately the hospital they work through is close to my house, so things could be worse. Besides, all the people around me keep telling me that too much can go wrong with home births and I get tired of defending my decision about it after a while. I finally got to the point where I'd just smile blandly whenever someone started harping at me about it. I'm starting to experience that whole "It takes a village" rationale for butting into a mom's business already!

I get to meet the midwives from the most promising practice on January 7th. Time can't possibly fly by quick enough!

Belly

I can feel my abdominal muscles stretching. It's a very unique feeling, to say the least! Christmas Eve, after a lovely meal with my brother and sister-in-law, I felt a sharp muscle pain, like I pulled a muscle, only it was in my abdomen and I wasn't doing anything at all. Since then I've had odd pains near my navel and my belly is noticeably bigger.

And I have terrible acne, but not on my face, I have it on my chest, back and belly! And my hair is super greasy all the time! I'm getting it bleached in a couple days, but I read recently that pregnant women should refrain from dyeing their hair at this point in a pregnancy because the hormones sometimes interact with the hair dye. I don't understand why my hormones would affect the dead cells growing on my head so I'm doing it anyway. Besides, I look like hell and I'm vain, goddammit. Isn't it enough that I can't have a Manhattan before dinner anymore? Or a glass of grappa after dinner?

If you see me walking around town with green hair, say hi, okay?

Boring old house renovation wishlist

In preparation of the nesting instinct I'm so anxiously looking forward to (as opposed to the sleep twelve hours a day instinct I'm currently experiencing), I have a list of things I'd like to get done before winter's over. Feel free to skip this post as it's more for my own reference!

A nice new cabinet between the fridge and the chimney in the main kitchen. It would be oh-so nice to have a place to put cereal and stuff, besides on the counter.

Tear out pedestal sink in master bathroom and install double sinks with vanity for storage. Also a mirror would be nice, thank you.

Build DVD storage cabinets in man room. Titles are easier to find when they're not in stacks of boxes on the floor.

Have curtains made for dining room and master bedroom. I'm not sure I want the neighbors to know so much about us once we have a baby! Besides, it's cold in the house without curtains.

Have headboard made for master bedroom. The one we have now is beyond ugly. I want a tucked and tacked velvet headboard to make any '60's housewife swoon.

Get roof checked for loose shingles, and repair gutters. The rivers of water streaming down the sides of the house freak me out.

Repair/replace kitchen screen door. If I repair the screen, how long will it be before the dog scratches another hole in it?

Replace rotten wood on south side of house, repaint. Rotten wood on my house scares me a lot.

Fix and sell Mustang. I wonder if it still starts.

Sell scooter. Goodbye Biff. I think I'd get in trouble with CPS I bungee corded a baby seat to the luggage carrier.

Discussions with Mom

As a kinky pervert, I have to say that certain conversations with vanilla people tend to have some double meaning for me.

For instance: The other day I was talking to my mom on the phone about being pregnant, and she told me that I should be sure and take the next few months as an opportunity to toughen up my nipples.

Heh!

I had to resist the urge to tell her I've delegated that task to Mr. Spouse, but she continued on and on about how I needed to twist and pull on my nipples, and squeeze then between my fingers so that when the baby is born I can nurse without screaming.

I can't get the thought of my mom twisting her nipples out of my head now. It makes me shudder!

EEEE! (that's a delighted EEEE)

We got YET ANOTHER ultrasound today. We really saw the heart beating today, it was so cute! The little seamonkey was smashed flat full frontal in my uterus so he looked like a bug on a windshield!

I'm eight weeks along, everything looks great, and we just need to find a midwife now. I'm going to try for a home birth, but since the birthing process rarely goes as planned I fully realize that we might not get to do it the way I want. I just know that I want to avoid a C-section if I can, and my chances of doing that are far greater if I have a midwife. It seems like I hear a lot about first time mothers only being in labor for a few hours before the doctor is like, "We're gonna cut you open!"

Priority one is a healthy kid and a healthy me, but last on my list is my doctor's schedule.

Don't get me wrong, I like my doctor, but trying to make an appointment with her is a nightmare. I've been on hold for ten minutes just trying to make an appointment, and I do anything I can to avoid calling her office. That's not the kind of relationship I want to have with the person delivering my first child. I know, I'm a total princess. I'm pregnant and I'm goddam special, for Chrissakes!!

I don't think that's unreasonable, do you?

I have grown two cup sizes in the last month. I am now wearing a 34 F bra. My pink leather jacket no longer fits over my boobs.

Hummina hummina hummina

I was attending a Microsoft holiday party tonight with my best friend and totally had a blast! We were playing blackjack and the totally hot Asian lady dealer was hitting on me. I was a little flustered!

At the end of the night I went to use the bathroom and she was using the sink when I walked in. She greeted me with a rather alarming "HAI!!!" and I tried to flirt with her but I had to pee too badly. We continued chatting as I entered a stall, and when I was done there was BLOOD IN THERE!

BLOOD IN THE TOILET!! NOOO!!! That explains the weird cramps I was having earlier...

I spent the last hour online looking up "spotting first trimester." If the cramps and bleeding persist I'll be making a call to my doctor, so I don't think I'll be doing much sleeping tonight.

Apparently spotting occurs in one in four pregnancies, and half of those end in miscarriage, according to Dr. Spock. We may be fine, but both Mr. Spouse and I are undoubtedly concerned.

Plus, I'm still having cramps. What a fine end to a lovely evening.

Settling in

I think I'm starting to settle into this pregnancy thing, instead of being dismayed at my new found limitations.

I stayed up until 4 am last night reading the latest Best American Erotica edited by Susie Bright, hoping against all hope I'd find something juicy to masturbate to, but to no avail. I swear the best erotic short stories I've found are in the back of Bust magazine! They really need to publish an anthology of those, for years they've gotten me off every month!

Anyway, I managed to only get nine hours of sleep last night instead of twelve, which is a blessing considering the late hour I retired last night. I'd be pretty cranky indeed if I slept until evening today.

I'm finding that I can't do our fancy dinners out anymore. There's just too many variables. I always want to take a nap after the entree, so even the fastest service in the world isn't fast enough for me anymore. Dessert? Forget it. Then there was the time we went out to eat at Crush and the folks next to us ordered something with truffle oil in it and I just had to leave. I swear restaurants use prodigious amounts of truffle oil to cover up whatever bland dish they put on the menu.

I have terrible gas and I'm not surprised by it anymore. Excuse me.

Second Ultrasound!

Wednesday we went back for another ultrasound. I am seven weeks pregnant and everything is normal. Since my last period was nine weeks ago all of us (especially the doctor) were disappointed that the little seamonkey wasn't further developed! Oh well. We just have to wait even longer before we can make the announcement to all our friends.

In the meantime I have lied to some of them. The other night we took a friend out for dinner and she was very curious to know why I wasn't sharing the wine with them! I told her that I only drink in the two weeks following my period and blah de blah blah...I gave her this drawn out description of my drinking system to avoid actually answering her pointed questions, and I feel guilty.

God I am hungry all the time. And nauseous. Last night at 2 am I was reading and suddenly I was so hungry I was in actual physical pain, so I went downstairs and grabbed a bag of crackers and wolfed them down in bed. Then I thought about masturbating because sex and food are the two things mostly on my mind these days. Mr. Spouse doesn't seem to mind, but pretty soon I'm afraid he may feel over-objectified. Men say they like being objectified, but I know from experience that it gets old after a while!

The other night we were having sex and I started to feel a little gas pain. It got worse and worse until I finally had to stop him, but nothing I did would make it better. I hobbled to the bathroom bent over like an old crone the pain was so bad, then nothing happened once I got there! I hobbled back to bed and tried to toot and it wouldn't happen, and finally after about a half hour I got a little relief! I still felt gas pain when I woke up the next morning!!

Apparently this is par for the course. So far I haven't started snoring or drooling yet, so that's good. I'm starting to figure out that my considerable mood swings are partially hunger related, which makes sense. I've always gotten a little cranky when I'm hungry, but now it's harder to tell when I'm hungry since it seems to be every hour or so, as opposed to every three hours like before. To top it all off, I get nauseous if I eat too much, so I can only eat a little at a time. It's no wonder I'm hungry all the time, but geez, it's hard to have a life when I'm in bed twelve hours a day and I have to spend fifteen minutes of every waking hour foraging for sustenance.

Mr. Spouse says my posture is changing. We're going to be parents!

A Friendly Reminder:

It's too early in my pregnancy to talk about it, so please don't tell your friends so they'll congratulate me next time they see me. I'd rather not have people congratulating me if I've had a miscarriage.

So, with that grim thingy out of the way, I'm actually glad that those empire waist uglyshirts are so popular! I've been complaining about them for years, but now that I'm actually pregnant I can wear them without worrying that people might think I am when I'm not! I was hoping this day would come!

I bought two trendy, shapeless bags at Forever 21 today.

Also, a few people have already asked me if I'm going to make a maternity catsuit, and the answer is yes, HELL yes.