First doctor's appointment

We went to the doctor today, the three of us! It was very exciting and I tried to maintain my composure. I did really well until the doctor came in to give me my first ultrasound, then before she even got the apparatus all hooked up I nearly lost it.

Her bedside manner left much to be desired, so that helped me from breaking out in tears.

Anyway, the little seamonkey is not as far along as we thought. The doctor says I might be six weeks pregnant, but more likely I'm not even that far along. Ah the joys of irregular periods. Who the hell knows when I was ovulating?

So either I ovulated really late or the embryo stopped developing. I find out next week.

Still trying to maintain my composure...

Disclaimer: If you know me, please do not ask me if I'm pregnant because I will not answer, at least until the first trimester is over, in which case I'll certainly say so right here on my blog. I'm going to write about it here and pretend that no one is listening, okay? Just help me hold up that bit of artifice for a little while longer.

So my boobs are hugemungous right now!! I can finally wear a tube top, now that it's too cold to do so! They're round, firm, large and PERT! I haven't had boobs like this since I was sixteen, and they were a lot smaller back then!

On the flip side, I have terrible gas, I have to pee all the dang time, I am super thirsty and tired, and I've gained two pounds this week. I guess I should start doing some deep moisturizing to see if it will help keep the stretch marks away. I was wondering why I seemed to be getting so fat, I guess this explains it! It's natural and all, but it's still alarming. I thought I'd at least be able to wear my normal clothes for longer.

And I am so fucking cranky right now, omigod. I'm usually super cheerful so this is weird for me, but I'm about ready to tear someone's head off.

I'm anxious to go to my first doctor's appointment, mostly because since I have a very irregular period I had no idea that I was pregnant. While my husband's parents were visiting from Italy for three weeks we had wine with every meal, and then I drank last weekend. Every book, magazine article, and person on the North American Continent has very strong ideas about drinking while pregnant, so I'm pretty concerned about any damage I might have unwittingly inflicted on the little sea monkey in these early developmental stages of its life.

I keep telling myself I shouldn't beat myself up over it because I can't undo what happened already, and if alcohol was nearly as dangerous as the books say it is, the human race never would have made it through the Dark Ages, when people drank beer and wine instead of water because it was less likely to be contaminated. I actually nearly bit a guy's head off at a work party once because there was a pregnant woman drinking a glass of wine and he was all, "Can you believe she's drinking WINE?!" Why is it that people believe they can pass judgement on a mom when they don't even have kids themselves?

Still. I'm worried. I don't need anyone to tell me I'm a bad mom or that everything will be fine. Keep your opinions to yourselves, or post your own blog about them.

I keep calling my husband "Daddy," and his expressions are priceless. He looks away and smiles a big toothy grin, then looks away again and his eyes get all sparkly! Then he'll touch my stomach or something sweet like that. He's the best thing ever! I wonder if he has any idea how moody I might get during this pregnancy. I feel bad for him already.

It's all very exciting and scary!

I got something to say!

So day before yesterday I was at work, dilligently folding clothes and trying not to think about how my skills weren't being used, when this guy walked in and started chatting with my boss (who is a totally rad woman). She asked how his wife's pregnancy was coming along, to which he replied, "It isn't."

How far along was she? Two and a half months. This is why you're not supposed to announce to everyone you know that you're pregnant until the first trimester is over. He told my boss about how everyone asks her how the pregnancy is coming along, and it ruins her whole day. I have no idea what it's like to lose a child, but I know for sure that if I ever do I'm not going to want everyone bringing it up all the dang time!

So that kind of brings up the question: how the hell is a girl supposed to blog about a pregnancy without telling anyone she's pregnant for the first trimester?

Our dog Quincy

In June I found a cocker spaniel on the lam. I stuffed him in my car and stopped at Petco on the way home to get him a collar, leash and some dog food. He was very affectionate and seemed to have good car manners, i.e. he didn't try to get in my lap as I was hurtling down the freeway at high speeds.

I rang the doorbell when we got home and my husband answered the door in complete confusion. The cocker spaniel was a Tazmanian Devil at the end of his leash, and our cat Abby looked disgusted from the other side of the threshold. My husband took a long time to warm up to the dog while I posted notices everywhere, and every day for three weeks we thought someone would claim the dog. No one ever did.

That interim period was scary because I was afraid to get too attached to the dog, so he suffered quite a bit. I didn't want to name him or pay too much attention to him as a way of protecting myself. When we finally gave up hope of finding his people we named him Quincy and invited him into our hearts, even though he was a total mess.

He scratched himself all the time when I first brought him home, so I bought special food for dogs with allergies and he hardly scratches at all anymore! He wouldn't let me touch his paws or face, and now I can swab his weepy eyes as much as I want. I can even brush his paws. His fur is so thick I don't think you can actually feel skin on his legs at all! He lets me pick him up, flip him over and rub his belly all the time, he doesn't have a single hot spot anymore, we got him neutered and he got all his shots. Next week he gets his first haircut at the dog salon.

He just wants to play with us and his squeaky toys all the time. We took him to obedience classes and he's learning some manners, while we're learning how to communicate with him. It's been an amazing transformation. That said, last night was his last class at dog training and he pooped twice during class. How embarrassing.

I love having a dog. I love that I can pick him up and play with his paws all I want, while looking him in the eye and talking baby talk to him. He's a good boy. I look forward to having a couple kids he can play with, he just loves them so much!

Here's Quincy, our sweet, dumb dog.

new ideas

It's been a year since I've lost interest in my Imp of Satan business, and I'm starting to finally get inspiration for making clothes again.

There are a lot of reasons why I laid Imp of Satan to rest, but you know I can hire someone to do those things for me, leaving me free to focus my energy on the creative end of running a fashion empire. Well, a small fashion empire.

I was always really good at the design, branding and marketing aspects of running my own fashion label. As most of my close friends know perhaps better than even I know about myself, I can't stay away from creating new clothes for long. Taking what I learned from my previous business, I think I can be far more successful in a new venture. It's time to lay Imp of Satan to rest for good. It carries too many bad memories for me, and I'm far too happy in my new life to continue dwelling on the past.

I'm in the brainstorming process for a new business. A former schoolmate of mine recently returned to Seattle after working all over the world for some extraordinary designers like Dior and Bob Mackey, and thanks to his words of praise, I'm starting to think that I can do some high end fashion for folks here in Seattle. I've been working in theater for ten years now, and I've learned to manipulate fabric in ways that most people never would. I am extremely proud of my work, yet I still understand that I have a lot to learn as long as there are new raw materials being manufactured. I truly, truly love what I do, and I know that I will never stop being inspired by bolts of wonderful fabric.

bag envy

I love to look at magazines. Anyone who looks at lots of magazines eventually figures out that it tends to contribute to consumerism. So this week I've been lusting after some fall fashions. Clothes this season are boring as all hell, so instead I'm finding myself lusting after purses.

I've convinced myself that I need a reptile bag. And naturally in the course of looking online for reptile bags I'm getting sidetracked.

For instance:

yes, summer's over, but it's never over in my vivid imagination!

Here's a bargain compared to the 16K version I saw just before this one!


I like this Zac Posen one too. It's very 1970's Deco:


This is neat, yet ugly. I truly admore the handiwork!


Python, anyone?

This one reminds my husband of the catsuit I wore on our first playdate!

Holy fuck! Which way to the disco?


I think I may come.



If you'll excuse me, I need to change my panties!

Bloody Hell!

My period started today. I was at work when it started, and I ran to the bathroom and cried while I cleaned myself up. I'm currently working overhire in a union costume shop so it's hard to take an extended break like I did today. I worried that I wouldn't have time to subdue my puffy eyes before returning to my tailoring but I shouldn't have worried. I just kept my eyes on the collar I was working on, cast downward in my lap, pricking my fingers over and over in rhythm.

At lunch I called my husband and suggested we go to our favorite bar for drinks tonight. It's like turning a cause for weeping into cause for celebration, going to the Zig Zag. Murray fixed me a couple of outstanding cocktails and made me feel downright civilized. I loves me a good cocktail but I've decided that I won't drink any alchohol during my first trimester regardless of what all my European friends say, and that makes it hard since I seem to be on a six week cycle. I drink whatever I want for two weeks as if I were on a regular four week schedule even though I probably ovulate four weeks after my period starts. I've never been good about keeping track of my periods so I worry that I may be mistaken about my odd cycle. I should really buy stock in pregnancy tests. I took three in the past week and a half.

Cocktails or not, the buzz I got tonight is bittersweet. I'm very disappointed I'm not pregnant. I've been wanting a family for a long time, and it's hard to be patient now that I've found the perfect father for my child, and he's just as anxious as me to start a family. We're going to be great parents someday. Even if we never conceive a child, we'll adopt and be great parents!

That's the thing about me. I may get blue on occasion but it never sticks for long.

Upon further investigation, it appears instead of a four week cycle, I have a six week cycle. I spent a lot of time in my twenties scared to death that I was pregnant for this reason.

This means I have to wait two more weeks before I can find out if I'm pregnant. How vexing.

I wanna know now!

It's too early to take a pregnancy test, dammit!

I started a new job on Monday, just a six week contract at a place I've been working on and off for ten years now. Hard to believe it's been that long!! It's a little like coming home. We're knocking off a Christian Dior dress from a couple years ago and I'm working on the petticoat this week. It's amazing how long it takes to make these costumes.

My husband showed up to take me home with our cocker spaniel, all clean and smelling nice! Now he's fixing supper. Last night we went out for a casual dinner, followed by coffee and a movie. We made out in the elevator to the theater and then held hands all through the film. I am truly a lucky girl.

I am totally exhausted and I have to go to a fetish event tonight. I don't know if I'll be able to muster up the energy for a fancy outfit, but I'll see what I can do.

visiting the nephew

Yesterday we went to visit our new nephew. He's the cutest little thing but I have to admit I find newborns to be pretty boring. They just lay there sleeping most of the time, and sometimes they eat. Hoo boy that's a fun time. WHEE!

The thing I find most interesting about visiting newborns is that there's an atmosphere of calm in their homes. It's so relaxing I almost fell asleep with the baby napping on my chest. I feel that babies only seem helpless, when in fact they can turn an entire house into a slumbering castle, just like in Sleeping Beauty. It's useless to resist, I've seen it in at least three households now!

I have to wait a whole week before I can find out if I'm pregnant. God I could use a cocktail.

ovulation blues

I was ovulating last Saturday. I know because I got the telltale stringy discharge, accompanied by an uncontrollable urge to have sex. This month my husband was standing less than fifteen feet away when I noticed so we took advantage of the circumstances by spending a half hour trying to get pregnant. I prefer to call it, "makin' bunnies."

Today is Thursday and I've been fighting off the urge to burst into tears over the tiniest little thing for twenty-four hours. I hope to god I'm pregnant, otherwise I'll have to come up with another excuse for why I'm feeling so strange. I NEVER cry. I don't like crying.

My brother and sister-in-law just had a baby last week and the cuteness is killing me. My mother is in town to help and tonight we're taking her to dinner and she's spending the night. Tomorrow we're going to estate sales together. It will be my last weekday off for six whole weeks. I'm extremely annoyed that I'm spending my last days of the summer on the verge of tears. My to-do list is still miles long!

I hope to god I'm pregnant. My period isn't due for another week and a half so I can't blame it on PMS!

Oh god, I have to go mom-proof the house!!

I've finally decided to do something with this account. My husband and I got married eleven months ago and I think we have a pretty extraordinary life, even if it is rather domestic. You can see some of my other posts in my food blog at eatie.blogspot.com, but I got bored of writing about food. I'd rather just eat it!

In January we bought a beautiful home built in 1926, in the '50's it was moved to its current location where it got a basement, then ten years ago it got a big master bedroom built upstairs. It's a lot of house for a girl to handle, and I've spent most of the summer working on it in my lazy way. I've torn out so many trees and bushes that I think I have permanent damage from wielding the pruners! The garden looks pretty good but the rest of the house is a disaster.

My biggest problem is finding people to help me. Since I've never owned a house before I'm not even sure what resources there are in the world for folks like me! We have some waterproofing to do on the south side of the house before the winter rains hit, there's some work I'd like done in the master bathroom, we need some shelves built in the Man Room for the DVD collection, and of course we need to figure out which room is what still.

We need a guest bedroom, office, nursery (hopefully), and dungeon. Of course how the rooms are used depends on if we need the nursery! I've been really frustrated lately because after five months in the house I still don't feel settled, but I realize that we can't get everything permanently put away until we get pregnant.

Sigh. This will probably turn into a pregnancy blog.

I wonder if I'll still feel like doing kinky shit when I'm pregnant?

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